What a Surprise!
A couple of news tidbits to pass along to you today:
Exhibit A: I got this in my emailbox from my Sig-O (thanks, Ally!). It seems that the
COMMENTARY: Call it my lucky day December 13, 2002
I had one lucky morning the other day. First, there was the call from Tom DeLay -- Tom DeLay! -- majority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives. Well, OK, not actually Tom DeLay in person, but a bona fide recording of him. And get this: He invited me -- in his own recorded voice -- to be the honorary chairman of ''our'' new Business Advisory Council from the state of Ohio. The whole darn state! Not just the city or county, but the entire state of my birth.
Wasn't I flattered! Before and after Tom's message -- hey, when you are invited to be a very special part of his team, you are on a first-name basis -- his aide explained the details. And she was live!
Frankly, I didn't pay attention to most of what she said, but here's the most important thing: Agree to serve, and I would be given a National Leadership Award from the congressman. The award includes a certificate that would look mighty fine in my office.
Gee, won't all the other slobs in the newsroom be envious when they see that! I mean, wow, they didn't even know I had an office!
Now, I'm no easy sell. I asked some pretty pertinent details. Like: What size is the certificate? Does it come matted and framed? What kind of paper is it on? Unfortunately, the aide didn't know.
''I apologize,'' she said. ''I haven't seen it.''
I also casually wondered just what my duties would be.
''Just give your ideas,'' she said.
And to whom would I give these ideas?
''Congress,'' she replied.
All of Congress?
''It's the whole Congress, I do believe so,'' she said. ''And not just Congress, but other key people.''
Key people and me!
I told her to definitely count me in. She asked for my fax number, and I promptly got a fax with the scoop from, it turns out, not the whole Congress but the next best thing: the National Republican Congressional Committee.
Most of the fax pretty much repeated what she and Tom had already told me, but there was one tiny point they had left out.
It would cost me 100 bucks. Preferably 500.
Wasn't I stunned! So Tom didn't really want me just for my mind! Apparently someone had gotten to him and told him how little value that has. What a disappointment! Still, I really would like to give him a piece of my mind.
I just can't spare the C-note to do it.
Things turned around fast, though. In just a few minutes, I picked up another important phone call. This one told me I had won a vacation to Las Vegas! No kidding! Three days and two nights, including hotel and airfare!
Wasn't I thrilled! This message also came by way of a recording -- this one from someone named Jennifer -- and all I had to do was call another number to confirm. Of course, I promptly dialed (or is it toned?) it up.
Drat! No one was standing by to take my call. I got yet another recording. This one had me press 2 if I was a lucky winner from Ohio. That did the charm! A new recording informed me that there were no strings attached. Absolutely none!
I could pick up my tickets at various specified times. And I'd be treated to a ''90-minute reception.'' That would be enough time for -- well, something about a presentation from a travel club.
What a bummer! I declined. I felt used, abused, outraged. Makes me want to complain to Congress. Think Tom will take my call?
Each Friday Morning Journal columnist Richard J. Osborne shares his perspective on the people and events that shape our lives.
©The Morning Journal 2002
Exhibit B: BartCop received this email the other day:
From: "Michael Davis" MDavis@FirstCallAssociates.com
Subject: you guys are retarded
I'm glad gore lost - otherwise, you liberals would be in Afghanistan sucking the Taliban's dicks or in Washington butt slamming one another celebrating how well Gore avoided any controversy.
The military would be further shrinking, continuing Clinton the intern fucker's policies, to placate the religious zealots of the middle east. Meanwhile, Sadam and his demon sons and other belligerents would be continuing their attacks on us in the U.S.
I think California should secede from the union and the U.S banish you dumb asses to the left coast where we won't have to worry about you sacrificing my country to the America-haters.
Eat shit and die slowly and painfully.
First, some feedback from the Funny Farm:
Bite me, you thickheaded bigot! It's my country too! As for Afghanistan, where's your boy Chimpy and his promise to "hunt down bin Laden, and bring him to justice?". How are things in Afghanistan these days? You think they like us better now that the junta's in charge over there? Oh, that's right - they're not. And the warlords are worse than the Taliban was, but braindead rednecks like you could care less. It's not your sister in prison for life because she forgot to wear her burlap sack yesterday.
Oh, and the military is still shrinking. The reserves are being 'requested' to stay on reserve longer because people aren't signing up so much anymore. Drinky McDumbAss showed them that he could desert for over a year, but they would get their names up on the Vietnam memorial. Or didn't you hear that from Rush?
I am proud to be American - until I hear idiots like you try and speak on her behalf. I wish they could build a fence around Tax-Ass and throw all you half-wit neo-Fascists in there. Toss in lots of guns and ammo, too. You'd be an extra in a new Deliverance movie before you could say "It's not my fault".
No need to tell you what to eat and how to die. You're made of excrement, and Smirky's gonna take all your Social Security and pensions (mine too!) for himself. Besides, it sounds like you're not living too well now, what with all that Repugnicant drivel rattling around the growrth attached to the top of your neck. And especially since you'll probably get fired for your little temper tantrum. Have a nice life!
If you would like to talk to his employers and express your opinion about an employee using company email services to send something of this nature, please feel free to contact them at:
First Call Associates, Inc.
50 Avon Meadow Lane, Building 50
Avon, CT 06001 U.S.
Toll Free: 888-289-1040
Contact: Adrian Clark
I would respectfully suggest that a few hours’ worth of calls on their toll free number listed above might cause First Call Associates to discuss this matter with Mr. Davies. It might even cause them to reconsider keeping him on the payroll…
And, in case you don’t remember, a while back somebody got fired for doing something like this. He didn’t swear or make bigoted remarks, either. They just fired him for criticizing a Congressman.
Exhibit C: Henry Kissinger and Cardinal Law both decided to call it quits within the last 24 hours. As per standard BFEE policy, they did it on a Friday night after Smirk left for the weekend, when the news would be muted by the upcoming weekend. Here at the Funny Farm, we say: Good riddance to bad baggage.
Okay, kids… time to pack up my troubles in the old kit bag for the weekend. Enjoy yourselves until I can get back to you!